Оксана Кесслер

***

Четыре утра без трех, частоколом лес
то многоэтажек, то сосен, то позывных
«Приеду сегодня», но снова сегодня без.
Без толку блуждаю в них.
Ищу здесь тебя, как охотничий старый пес,
то тычась холодным носом в такой же снег,
то вслушиваясь /кого еще черт принес/,
подъездную глушь прочесывая. И с ней
опять остаюсь, такая здесь тишь и брешь,
что впору в неё упасть, зарываться в мох,
свернувшись в клубок, бессонницу пряча меж
твоими «не жди» в четыре утра без трех.


***

Зима заходит тихо. Слишком белый
накинула халат. Идёт ко мне.
Слежу за ней беспомощностью тела,
погибшего в какой-нибудь войне.
Слежу за ней. Она следит в ответ и
прощупывает пальцем грудь насквозь.
Я вижу пустоту и инструменты.
в ее руках, изъеденных тоской,
В прозекторской неоновая лампа
так слепит, что захлопнуть б веки, но
Нет сил. Зима — патологоанатом —
привычно, преднамеренно и зло
не проверяет пульса и проворно,
к полуночи, как по команде «пли»,
вскрывает ржавым скальпелем от горла
всё то, что, как казалось, не болит.


***

Опять клочок тоски над головой, журавль в небе, ни вороны рядом,
но выход есть: замолкни и не ной, кури бамбук, сигару, выпей яду,
ну, или вот: Шри — Ланка и Пхукет и целый глобус — ткни озябшим пальцем,
а не хватает почки на билет — всегда есть выбор: смолкни и останься,
ходи туда и даже вот сюда, свободы столько, что сгибает спину:
отдайся ветру, родине, в бедлам, в семейный омут, оперу с повинной,
в кредит на час, в аренду насовсем, календарю, ежовым рукавицам,
крутись в метро, болтайся в колесе — резвись, как хочешь.Только до границы.
Живи — не парься, развлечений — тьма, а надоест — не забывай, счастливый:
не вышел визой — выйди из окна, ведь ты же знаешь, у тебя есть выбор.


***

доктора снова спишут хандру на стресс
и заверят, что это у всех проходит.
время ставить диагнозы и компресс,
покупать на последние плащ и зонтик,
витамины, драже, аспирин упса
(«все пройдет, пациентка»). конечно, хули…
и плевать, что я кончилась день назад,
а запас адеквата — еще в июле.
но беру свой рецепт, выдыхаю «бля»
и послушно бреду, как в бреду, в аптеку:
добрый вечер, продайте хороший яд
и лекарство от нужного человека,
потому что он слишком болит и жжет,
потому что зависимость больше дозы,
мне его не хватает до «хорошо»,
а лечиться от этого слишком поздно,
понимаете? впрочем, херня — война.
витамины, пожалуйста. пачек восемь.
это просто привычка — сходить с ума,
а в глазах — это осень. конечно, осень.


***

Когда тебе покажется, что ожил,
а беды не опаснее зайчат,
становишься вдруг светлым и пригожим,
как будто бы по–новому зачат,
щебечут птички, радует погода
и жизнь так перспективна, что пипец,
а ты для всех желаннее айфона
и в каждом начинаньи молодец,
уже готов хоть в омут с сатаною,
хоть в кремль – вершить порядок и добро,
и все хотят здороваться с тобою,
поскольку ты брандовее Брандо,
Монро монрей, пикасcее Пикассо,
гораздо живописнее Дега,
живое воплощение оргазма,
наполненный банкнотами карман.
И вот, когда проникся новой ролью,
с внезапностью чугунных бубенцов…
похмелье опускается как ломик,
небрежно корректируя лицо

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