Наталья Мявча

Дурак и море

И выдумал я горизонт — линию от и до,
и выдумал воду — поровну с двух сторон,
и ровно посередине поставил дом.
В том доме живет друг мой, Харон,
бывший моряк, нелюдимый слепой старик.
Я выдумал ему кота, чтоб урчал на руках,
выдумал лодку на привязи у двери,
маяк на крыше и смотрителя маяка —
душу мертвого дурака.

Я порой навещаю его. Прихожу во сне,
мы сидим на веранде и глычем ром.
Он рассказывает странное обо мне,
улыбается своим безобразным ртом.
Он рассказывает то, что мне страшно знать,
то, что я никогда бы не вспомнил сам.

Я выдумал, что светает примерно в пять,
Я выдумал, солнце выходит из воды в семь
и старик становится нем.

После я исчезаю. Он просыпается. кипятит чай,
коту сообщает — вновь видел во сне дурака.
На всякий случай я каждый раз говорю «прощай»,
когда он отвязывает лодку с поводка,
но пока вода для него легка.

Всегда останется горизонт — линия от и до,
вода с двух сторон на сорок одну версту,
и ровно посередине — дом.
И я на крыше, на вечном своем посту,
дурак дураком.


***

Вот я и научился залазить в чужие сны,
вот я и научился чужие сны менять.
Если не можешь проснуться к исходу дня,
значит, ищи в этой вязкой воде меня.

Значит ищи, умоляй прекратить, бей в скулу,
я ударю в ответ, ты откроешь глаза. Как всегда
встанешь, нашаришь тапочки на полу,
в ванной нашаришь кран, и хлынет в лицо вода.

В этой воде нет меня, она пахнет водой, не мной.
Я ударю в ответ, ты откроешь глаза, я останусь там.
Видеть чужие сны пол-беды, все равно живой.
Хуже, когда в эти сны попадаешь сам.

Я остаюсь в этой темной вязкой воде.
Ты открываешь глаза. Ты где?


***

Я не помню музыку, буквы, имена
ничего не помню. Помню только,
что на работу к восьми, что на
обратном пути нужно купить молоко.
Помню, что по утрам на улице мерзко,
что на обед будет времени десять минут. Я
помню, что когда автобус резко
свернет налево — нужно проснуться.
Больше ничего не помню. Слышишь?
Номера телефонов, квартиру, дом.
У меня под кожей к пяткам едет крыша,
У меня под ребрами нота «до» —
доконало, досыта, до апатий.
Я не помню месяцев, дней, минут.
У меня под ребрами слово «хватит»,
сплошное «хватит» во всю ширину.

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