Татьяна Безридная

Татьяна Безридная


Прикупить удобные ботинки.
(Август – время странствовать одной.)
В плейер – затаённый скепсис Стинга.
В рюкзачке пожитки за спиной.

Герман Гессе, «Приключенья Кнульпа».
Странница? Бродяга, видит Бог!…
Бьются в грудь кузнечики, как пульки,
по колено шелестит любовь.

Пить грозу, как от вина хмелея.
Жить на свет, что теплится вдали…
Лишь ботинки взять потяжелее,
чтоб не оторваться от земли

раньше срока…


 

Мне бы надо с тобою перемолчать
это лето, похожесть твою, прохожесть,
мимолётность, склонность таить печаль
в бесшабашных песенках, чуять кожей,
не касаясь, походя, невзначай
тишину мою в ожиданьи взрыва,
(или срыва нервного), замечать
вкус небес чужих на краю обрыва, —
подтолкнёшь меня? До чего красиво,
вот ещё одна из банальных фраз,
потому молчу обо всём, что помню,
это первый мой и последний раз —
было больно, радостно и безмолвно:
потому и свет, что подобных нет,
что теперь и я получу ответ,
превращённый в бред

превращённый в бред
полный.


 

вдох-

Чтобы чище стали мои стихи,
становилась жизнь моя всё грязнее:
из девчачьей розовой шелухи
я злорадно скалюсь на фото, смею
про аборты, рваные раны, гной,
про последний стольник, бинты, похмелье
от недолгой славы своей шальной,
от заботы вечной, тоски смертельной,
про постель в болезни, а не в грехе,
про наивный блуд с санитаром дюжим —
я сама себе зигмунд фрейд, захЕр,
извини, мазОх,- и акцент не нужен:
удареньем верным ломает страсть,
душу в клочья рвёт, нежным брюхом тащит
по камням да пустошам, в тему, в масть,
в сердцевину бездны — молитвы слаще
шёпот бесов, Господи, звон литавр,
каждый ангел Твой возлюбить способен —
воплотиться рядом в реале, дар
этот здесь дороже воды и соли, —
и не знают люди меня такой —
как я рвусь из клеток, ломая кости,
как страшусь приюта, гоню покой
крепким кофе, бунтом в крови и злостью —
на себя, что часто хочу уснуть
хоть на жизнь, хоть на день — отдохновенья
от соблазнов диких своих и смут, от любви,
от яда, от вдох-новенья…


Пережить бы и выжить

Пережить бы и выжить
безотве безнадёгу
солнце редкое брызжет
по утрам на подмогу
серым дням выкрутасам
пограничная зона
вырываются стансы
без отве без резона
мне никто не позволит
очутиться в нигдешье
люди выбрали роли
грим галёрка одежды
человеческий пепел
след нечаянный выжжен
предвкушение песен
пережить бы и выжить


Пишу очень редко и скупо, не обессудь,
не всегда проявляя тайную суть письма:
я держу её мысленно и баюкаю на весу,
точно зная, что ты способна понять сама,

что внезапное «мы» сорвалось не вдруг,
что в письме благодарность — ещё не всё,
что любовь вовне очертила круг —
осветила круг — в нём любой спасён

от безумной жизни, что, пусть слегка,
пусть шутя, больней норовила пнуть…
Улыбаюсь и ставлю точку. Пора. Пока.

И посткриптум: «Нежное подчеркнуть».


Домовых не стало

Домовых не стало. Дома стоят,
но пусты сплошной глухотой бездонной.
Люди прячут дух за горой тряпья,
болтовнёй пустой да улыбкой сдобной.

В запустении снов, в средостении слов
лишь трава-бурьян прорастает всюду.
Пустыри горят, травы копят яд…
Сколько жить осталось такому люду —

сироте при боге, который слаб
и не знает их, да и знать не хочет.
Человек теперь — бессловесный раб
у живых вещей… И не кычет кочет,

и не знает люд о войне с собой,
побеждён давно, жить оставлен в прошлом…
И последний Гвардии домовой
в пустоту слепую молчит истошно.


Земную жизнь пройдя до половины…

Тает след обручальных колец
на моём, на твоём безымянном.
Чёрным сделался сумрачный лес,
превратилась в трясину поляна.

Середина земного пути.
Передышка. Сведение счётов.
Подведенье итогов, прости.
Я, тебя посылавшая к чёрту,

проклинавшая время, когда
ты сквозь кальку судьбы проявился,
и когда, вызревая, беда
сочным плодом на ветке повисла,-

в этом дантовом райском аду,
несомненно, нашла бы погибель,
задохнулась бы в душном бреду
без тебя, мой угрюмый Вергилий.

Покрывается коркой рубец.
Боль фантомная, прошлая рана…
Да хранит тебя Бог. Или бес.
И спасибо тебе. Как ни странно.


 

памяти Анатолия Кобенкова

Подожди, не умирай:
Я не всё ещё сказала…
Синих галок сиплый грай
Льётся с башенок вокзала.

Жаль, меня твоя Москва
Невзлюбила, как ни билась.
Не бросай мои слова
Зря на ветер, сделай милость,

Малость, кроха, пустячок —
Но твоих сомнений долька
Прорастёт во мне ещё
Новой песенкой, и только:

Не скорблю, не влюблена.
Помяну. Всплакну. И даже
От Казанского — одна.
А куда — Москва покажет.

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