Александр Антипов

***

Он придёт, как и всякий прочий,
От иных не отличный день:
За спиной перестанут ночи.
И не станет меня. Нигде.

Всё, о чём я шумел когда-то
На прижизненной полосе,
Ограничится точкой. Датой.
И не станет меня. Совсем.

Будет утро привычно ранним,
И друзья, с кем дружил давно,
Прочитают меня на камне.
Только надпись не будет мной.

Будут клёны алеть, как парус
И каштаны листву терять.
Даже я на Земле останусь.
Только это не буду я.

И закончатся все молитвы,
И вдали от чужих молитв
Будут дети рождаться чьи-то.
Непохожие. Не мои.

Я как будто, и был, и не был,
Видел всё и не жил ни дня.
Так скажи мне, владелец неба,
Что вот это такое — «я»?

Не ответит. Я сам отвечу,
Превращаясь в секунду, в ноль
Перед тем, как зажгутся свечи
Обо мне. Но уже не мной


***

Не память, а облако дыма,
В котором являются лица,
Где каждая ночь повторима —
Не хочешь, а повторится.

И вечер сегодняшний может
Рассыпаться, как паутина.
Но всё, что известно о прошлом:
Что прошлое необратимо.

А ночи протянуты мимо
Тебя. И, которую кряду,
Легко вспоминать нелюбимых.
Легко. И не очень-то надо.

Ты сам для иных вот такой же
Остаток знакомств неуклюжих:
Чуть больше, чем просто прохожий,
И всё-таки меньше, чем нужный,

Ещё проклинающий ночи,
Врагов не найдя себе мнимых.
Размеры чужих одиночеств
Воистину невычислимы.

И пусть это кажется личным,
А ночь никогда не обманет,
Когда ты заведомо лишний,
Умей не просить состраданий.

Не думай утешить кого-то,
Себе изменяя личины.
Для всех одиночеств свобода
Является первопричиной


***

Милая, это глупость,
Что я умру,
Даже когда я стану
Неосязаем.
Старые фото
Волей-неволей врут,
Но существуют
Вместо своих хозяев.

Старые фото
Передают черты
И никогда о будущем
Не пророчат.
Вспышка мигнула —
И по-привычке ты
Замер в попытке
Собственного бессрочья.

Вот бы, как рану,
Память перевязать,
Сделаться копией
Мальчика с фоторамок,
Где у него
Честнее моих глаза,
Где вспоминать о прошлом
Смешно и рано.

Перед собой когдатошним
Я стою,
Осознавая: Боже,
Как время тонко!
Дети, взрослея,
Больше не узнают
Даже самих себя
На потёртых плёнках

И примеряют тени
Своих отцов,
Чтобы отцы всегда
Оставались живы.
Наша планета —
Чёртово колесо
С функцией
Обновления пассажиров.

Но, прорастая в детях,
Как новый сад,
Мы не сойти с неё
Получаем шансы.
Милая, это глупо —
Держаться за
Тех, кто не стал бы сам
За тебя держаться,

Тех, кто на старых фото
С тобой заснят,
Но от кого осталась
Живая пустошь.
Милая, я прошу до крика —
Держи меня,
Чтобы я верил в то,
Что ты не отпустишь.

Сердце возьми
И фото мои возьми,
Чтобы на фоне
Самых бедовых бедствий
Мы, как листвою сад,
Поросли детьми,
Как горизонт в закат,
Прорастая в детство.

Нам умирать с тобою —
Вообще никак,
Даже когда закружится
Старость вальсом.
Наша прямая суть —
Не застыть в веках,
Но продлеваться, милая,
Продлеваться

Вдоль поколений
Звуком имён своих
В детях, что нашу молодость
Подобрали
И узнавать себя,
Узнавая их
На отпечатках будущих
Фотографий


***

Серые набережные пусты,
Невесомее воздуха серые чайки.
Понимаешь, что город остыл
Мимоходом и совершенно случайно.

Небо вплетается в провода,
Нервно и глупо вздрагивая.
Мысли и память — сплошной бардак,
Хлеще, чем в комнате студобщаги.

Нужно дыхание перевести,
Затормозить событий качели.
Эй, короли с девяти до шести
Пять бесполезнейших дней в неделю,

С вами, ублюдками, я заодно,
Так же считаю время по пальцам,
Чтобы завтра был выходной
И получилось дико нажраться.

Город вот-вот ускользнёт из-под ног,
Чайками в грязный туман ныряя.
Небо так низко — почти потолок
В комнате с люстрами-фонарями.

Снится любовь, а потом, наяву,
Пульс её чувствуешь еле-еле.
Может, поэтому я живу
В грубом и постоянном похмелье.

Небо почти что коснулось земли
Телом своим, белёсым и рваным.
Пятница — и вчерашние короли
Пьют это небо из грязных стаканов


***

Это небо, как будто речным песком
Перепачканное с востока,
Эти птицы, летящие на восход
И шоссе вдалеке пустое,

Эта гнутая полусерпом река
И домов типовые клубни —
Этот город завял бы наверняка,
Как цветы на осенней клумбе,

Не поддайся он власти бетонных плит,
Что, бульвары его заполнив,
Посезонно хранятся в его пыли
И растят подбетонно корни.

К счастью
всё-таки камень с теченьем лет
Победил до конца старенье.
И живое в попытке оставить свет
Оставляет на камне тени.

Впрочем,
это не повод для скользких тем
И порой я доволен даже,
Что для этого места я просто тень,
Ведь она — есть деталь пейзажа.

Но лозой винограда висит гроза,
Оттесняя восход песчаный.
Этот город хорош, чтоб его писать
И от этого беспощаден.

Потому что красивому нужно быть
Недоступней и выше ростом,
Чтоб, унизив себя до высот любых,
Возвеличиться до уродства.

Вот поэтому в рыке его машин,
В очертаньи нарочно грубом
Я себя ощущаю таким большим,
Словно я монумент Колумбу,

Словно город по меткам его границ
Выводил я изгиб к изгибу,
Словно даже потёртый его гранит
Только вместе со мной погибнет.

А пока эти ветки проспектов спят,
Я листвы их хочу касаться.
И бежать не получится: из себя
Не придумано эмиграций.

Эмигрировать можно из гиблых стран,
От уже надоевших женщин.
Эмиграциям служит причиной страх.
Этот город иное. Он как сестра,
Или брат. Он — моё движенье.

И когда я устану от тех и тех,
Что как цифры и буквы в пустом листе,
И когда от себя устану,
Он меня не спасёт. Но в речной воде
Отражаясь с пейзажем старым,
Я назад оглянусь и увижу тень,
Ту, что я за собой оставил


***

В переходе у пыльной витрины встают
Отражённые тени.
И я исковеркан
Отражением тем же.
И вновь узнаю
В помутневшем стекле не фигуру свою,
А совсем незнакомого мне человека.

Ненавязчиво лампочка под потолком
Намекает собой на искусственность света.
Помещённый в зеркальном окне целиком,
Если так же и я создан чьей-то рукой,
Что тогда моего в отражении этом?

Ну а, впрочем, неведенья крест волочить —
Дело вовсе не ново. И, глядя, как тени
По витринам текут, я себя приучил
Никогда не бояться своих отражений.

Если в этих широтах по-прежнему Бог
Обитает и местных по-прежнему помнит,
Может, замысел в том, что неузнан собой,
Ты однажды другими окажешься понят.

И поскольку пустеет ночной переход,
И поскольку порою нелишняя трезвость
Для таких размышлений советчик плохой,
Я за флягой в карман оттопыренный лезу.

Я сегодня себя не смогу обмануть
И того, кто напротив на зеркале вышит,
Кто нахально меня пародировать вышел.
И, лицом к потемневшей витрине прильнув
И, в лицо неизвестное мне заглянув,
Ничего, кроме пыли за ним я не вижу


***

Детская ручонка
Водит по листу
Карандаш пока что
Непослушный очень.
И неровным строем
Линии растут,
Формируя почерк.

Взрослым так забавно
Наблюдать за тем,
Как сосредоточен
Юный человечек.
Маленькие буквы
На большом листе
Станут формой речи.

Пальчики — не пальцы.
Потому спешат.
Буквы неудачны:
То длинней, то шире.
Ошибайся, милый.
К счастью, совершать
Не умеет в этом
Возрасте душа
Взрослые ошибки.

А твои помарки —
Это ничего.
Зачеркни, и можно
Повторить по-новой.
Как бы мне хотелось
Точно так же вот
Зачеркнуть иное.

Я бы постарался
Выправить письмо
И себя как будто
В строчках подытожить,
Чтобы то, что раньше
Написать не смог,
Со второго раза
Как-нибудь само
Получилось всё же.

Мне бы хоть шажочком
Снова в ту страну,
Где всего два дома —
Мой и друга Сашки,
Где хотелось жутко
Каждую весну
Становиться старше.

У больших всё проще,
Чем у вас, детей:
Вы сложнее тем, что
Рвётесь в неизвестность.
Оттого и буквы
Ваши кое-где
Горизонт страницы
Пробуют задеть —
Им в тетрадях тесно.

Им бы падать в землю,
Точно семена,
Чтоб хватило к небу
Выбиться силёнок.
Детство — это время
Настоящих нас.
Время удивлённых.

Детство — это первый
Самый черновик
И порой последний,
Потому что после
Карандаш подвластен
И не норовит
Овладеть рукою,
Строчку искривив.
И уже без правок
Вместо прежних вёсен
Пишется про осень


***

Мой возраст — есть признак непрочности.
Проспорю кукушке ли, нет —
Однажды мне тоже захочется,
Как позднему лету закончиться
С дождями его наравне.

Когда-нибудь я переделаюсь,
Себя ограничу пределами.
И времени главный предел
Заставит меня образумиться.
Души моей шумные улицы
Привыкнут всё больше редеть.

Привычка — плохая обязанность.
Не лучше, чем та же привязанность,
Когда уже кроме неё
К иным ничего не останется,
А собственной жизни дистанция
Длинней перелёта в Нью-Йорк.

Когда обзаводишься знанием,
Что жизнь — это лишь осязание
И медленное остывание
По Цельсию до нулевых,
Теряется чувство внезапности
И всё непонятнее замысел,
С которым по старенькой записи
Ты числишься в списках живым.

И всё-таки в этом есть мужество,
Когда, добираясь до мудрости,
Добрался до самых седин.
Не падал, не охал, не корчился,
Но помнил, что лето закончится.

Оставшись один на один
С последним пронзительным вечером,
Я, не дожидаясь конечную,
Сойду. Постою. Обернусь.
И будет неузнана станция,
И прошлое прошлым останется.
Я выдохну всё. И начнусь


***

Уговори меня уйти,
Не провожать тебя до дома.
Прошу тебя — не будь ведомой,
Без тесноты прощаний долгих
Уговори меня уйти.

Уговори меня. Сердись!
Тем самым нас двоих спасая.
Не выдавай себя глазами,
Соври, но только не смирись,

Что нам с тобою по пути.
Не позволяй себя касаться.
Не позволяй себе казаться
Моей. Раздумай! Запрети!
Уговори меня уйти.

Сейчас же. Здесь. Не стой. Не жди.
Ни полчаса. Ни полминуты.
Не позволяй себя запутать.
Не обсуждается. Уйти!

Заставь, а лучше прикажи
Себе самой закрыть границу
Вот эту нашу. Притвориться,
Что ты не думала мне сниться,
Иначе может так случиться,
Что мы, чужие из чужих,

В делах, поступках и мечтах,
В словах, подробностях и жестах
С тобой ворвёмся в это жерло
Несовпадений. И масштаб

Ошибки будет так велик,
Что рок Помпеи обеспечен.
И пепел ляжет нам на плечи.
О, я готов тебя молить —

Давай наш факел укротим,
Ещё покуда обратим
Процесс горения нестойкий,
Пока влюблён я не настолько…
Прошу тебя, не будь жестокой —
Уговори меня уйти

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We are asked regularly, ‘can I remortgage with bad credit?’ Many borrowers want to know specifically which types of credit issue are acceptable, so below we have created a list and outline what is and isn’t possible when getting approved for a remortgage with bad credit: No credit history Low credit score Late payments Missed mortgage payments Defaults CCJ’s IVA’s Debt management Schemes Repossessions Bankruptcy Payday Loans And mortgage customers with multiple credit problems There are all sorts of different reasons customers look for a bad credit remortgage, including: Debt consolidation (bad credit mortgage refinance) Looking for a better rate Capital raising to purchase something (house/car/holiday etc) Let to buy remortgage with bad credit (remortgaging onto a buy to let and moving home) Marital split (remortgaging to buy out ex partner) Raising money for investment purposes (that not all lenders consider) If you’re looking for any of the above, or are simply just seeking some information, please get in touch and we’ll have one of the experts offer you the advice you need. How to remortgage with bad credit: Bad credit remortgages are a tricky thing to explain in one article and still make it relevant for everyone, because every situation is different. Lenders have certain criteria but then for certain customers, it may be possible to overturn a case that would usually be a decline, if it is a strong proposition for a lender regardless. Sometimes, customers with huge savings and great LTV’s can obtain bad credit home mortgage refinance deals regardless of their credit history. Below is a step-by-step guide of the best way to remortgage for bad credit customers, to help them prepare for applications and to assist them in gathering the right info for us upfront, so we can be best placed to offer the right advice. Don’t go to your bank! This is a very important step. I know it sounds so biased coming from a mortgage broker website but it’s true. We are NOT anti-banks, we all need them. We are pro helping you get what’s best. Your bank is only ever in it to make a profit for themselves. There’s good money in mortgages and as the market is so competitive, these single bank advisers are taught to gain commitment from enquiries as soon as possible. This minimises the risk of you strolling into the bank next door and finding a better rate, or worse, going online. As such, they are actively encouraged and often targeted to credit score any customer willing to sit in their office – great if you don’t want to shop around and have clean credit – not great if you’re looking for poor credit remortgages or want the best deals you can get. Credit scoring with a lender that won’t lend to you is an unnecessary and damaging process, that can often leave you in a worse position because a further credit score has been added to your file. Get your credit report Before you do anything (even before you don’t go to your bank), you need to find out what you’re working with. To remortgage with bad credit history it is vital to understand which issues will effect you, and how to overcome them by finding a lender or repairing your credit file. Remember: It’s what’s on your file that’s important, so any late payments or other issues that haven’t been registered with a credit reference agency won’t usually matter. The only exceptions to this are when you are applying for a mortgage with your bank, where you may have exceeded on overdrafts or credit cards or had issues with other arrangements like direct debits bouncing etc, and your bank keeps a record of them on your account. These can be things they take into account with their mortgage credit scoring system, but aren’t usually required to report to credit reference agencies so only your bank would know about them. In these instances where your bank may give you a low or medium score because of issues on your account, other lenders outside of that banking group may give you a higher score – Something to keep in mind if you’re struggling to work out why you’ve been declined. Also, it’s often the case where we help customers who have never checked their file and fear the worst, often having buried their heads in the sand, to then go on to find out things aren’t as bad as they thought. Actually, its surprising for a lot of people what is available in terms of bad credit remortgages in the UK, and that there are lenders out there with flexible criteria that still have competitive rates. NOTE: We advise you sign up for all three of Experian, Check My File, and UK Credit Ratings. Each lender uses a different one and often times they show different information. It’ll take an extra 5 minutes but if you’ve had problems and have been declined with a lender before, then it’s very much worth it. You will NOT be penalised or scored any differently for searching your own credit file with these agencies – credit score is only affected by applications for credit. AND – ITS FREE! Sign up for the free trials below and order your reports now. Sign up for your free trials here… Get your credit rating Find a broker… Establish your Loan to value (LTV) Work out the property value and the amount of deposit/equity you’ll have after the new mortgage, to define the LTV. This figure is important because lenders base their criteria around the different LTVs, where those with higher LTVs must have better credit ratings than those with lower LTVs. Customers at 90 usually require good credit scores and clean (or very light) adverse credit, customers at 85 can qualify with lenders with mild adverse credit or severe but historical issues, and customers at 75 or less can often get mortgages with heavy adverse credit issues (depending on how recent they were). Establish affordability The broker must also check the loan you want is within the lenders limits. This is true of any mortgage, not just remortgages for bad credit. They tend to work out based on a multiple of your annual income – a rough guide is 4x. So for a borrower on £50k the max might be £200k, however, certain lenders can offer up to 5x and in special circumstances go above and beyond this. The figures used by lenders changes when it comes to deciding what is and isn’t classed as income – usually the basic salary (or net profit for sole traders/partnerships, or directors salary + dividends if ltd company), is used for the full value. Other income such as overtime, bonuses, other employed income, and state benefits, may either be taken 100, or as a lesser percentage, or not counted at all. Map your credit file to the most appropriate lender The broker will then research all the best remortgage deals for bad credit based on your loan amount and LTV, and work from the top down the list to the first lender that will be most likely to accept your application. Obviously if you have more severe credit history issues then a high street lender with the best deals is unlikely to approve you, so your rate and/or fees are likely to be higher. Don’t let that scare you however – you’d be surprised that the deals tend not to be astronomical and actually are still competitive. If there’s no one that will consider your application due to your credit history at that particular LTV, then be prepared to find more equity/deposit to lower the LTV into a bracket that lenders will consider (this may only be a few depending on your current situation, as lenders at 85 are much more flexible than at 90). 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